By Dr. Winnie Chege, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of REST Psychology
Your child gets dressed, then stops at the front door. On other mornings, there is a stomach ache, a late arrival or another missed day. You are unsure whether to encourage them in, see a doctor or ask the school to change something.
You may feel caught between taking your child’s distress seriously and worrying that each missed day will make returning harder.
A useful starting point is to understand what makes school difficult for your child and what support would make attending more manageable.
What does school-related anxiety mean?
“School anxiety” is a broad description, not a diagnosis. A child may worry about separation, friendships, lessons or making mistakes. Another may find noise, crowded spaces or unpredictable changes overwhelming.
School-related anxiety may also show up as irritability, tearfulness or disrupted sleep. These signs can have other explanations, but you do not need to wait for missed days before raising concerns.
You may hear terms such as emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) or emotionally based school non-attendance when emotional distress affects attendance. These describe a difficulty; they do not explain its cause.
A child can want to learn and see friends while finding parts of school hard to manage.
What might be getting in the way?
Look beyond the moment when your child struggles to leave home. Difficulties may involve:
bullying, loneliness or conflict with peers
learning demands, missed work or unidentified support needs
noise, busy transitions or changes to familiar routines
separation, illness, poor sleep or changes at home.
Several factors may interact. A child who finds lessons overwhelming may miss school, then become anxious about catching up. Returning can feel harder while the original difficulty remains.
Headaches, nausea and stomach aches can accompany anxiety, but should not automatically be attributed to it. Speak with a GP about symptoms that persist, recur or concern you.
How can I understand what my child is experiencing?
Choose a time when there is less pressure to get somewhere and you can listen without rushing.
A specific question can be easier than “Why won’t you go?” Try: “Which part of the day feels hardest?” Drawing, writing or talking while doing something together may help.
If they cannot explain, allow time. Notice whether distress clusters around particular lessons, people, journeys or transitions. Also notice when things go more smoothly.
What should we discuss with the school?
Contact your child’s teacher or pastoral lead early. Where relevant, involve the special educational needs co-ordinator (SENCO), or equivalent support lead.
Share your child’s account and what you have noticed. Ask what staff are seeing. A child who appears settled in class may still be distressed before or after school, so observations from home and school both matter.
Discuss support that fits the difficulty. For example:
| What is difficult? | What could you discuss? |
|---|---|
| Arriving at school | A predictable handover with a familiar adult. |
| Noise or crowded transitions | A quieter route, arrival arrangement or place to take a break. |
| Returning after absence | A realistic catch-up plan and clear priorities for missed work. |
These are starting points. Your child’s needs should shape the plan.
Agree who will coordinate support, how you will communicate and when to review progress. Include your child in ways appropriate to their age and needs.
Review how school feels, as well as whether your child gets there. Agree with your child and school what signs would suggest the support is helping. More regular attendance does not automatically mean distress has eased.
Raise concerns about bullying, harm or safety promptly. Safeguarding concerns should go to the school’s safeguarding lead.
Should I encourage attendance when my child is distressed?
The response depends on what is happening and how much distress your child is experiencing.
For some children, staying away brings immediate relief while worry about returning grows. Gradual, supported steps can help when anxiety is part of the difficulty. But encouragement alone will not resolve bullying, inaccessible learning or an overwhelming environment.
Work with your child, school and, where needed, health professionals on steps they can manage, alongside changes to the conditions making attendance difficult.
When might professional support help?
Seek advice if distress persists, becomes more intense, repeatedly disrupts attendance or affects sleep, friendships, family life or activities your child enjoys. You can speak with a GP or school nurse and ask the school about relevant support services.
A fuller assessment can help distinguish anxiety, physical health concerns, learning needs and other contributing factors. Some children benefit from therapy; others need changes to their school environment, additional learning support or several forms of help together.
Where could you begin?
Repeated difficult mornings can affect your work, family routines and confidence about how to respond. Your own support needs deserve attention within the plan.
REST Clinic’s Parent & Caregiver Compass Sessions are online consultations with a clinical psychologist. They help you consider your child’s circumstances, your caregiving role and practical next steps, including whether school support, further assessment or therapy may be appropriate.
Compass is a parent-focused consultation, rather than direct assessment or therapy for your child.
Explore Parent & Caregiver Compass Sessions, or Book a Complimentary Call if you would like help choosing a starting point.
Research referenced
Dilkes, A., & Bond, C. (2026). Key features of parent supported approaches and interventions for children and young people experiencing anxiety and school attendance difficulties: A systematic review. European Journal of Special Needs Education. Advance online publication.
Jakobsen, S., Tølbøll, K. B., Thastum, M., & Lomholt, J. J. (2025). Cognitive behavioral interventions for school attendance problems: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Child Psychiatry & Human Development. Advance online publication.
